Distraction and self-soothing driven by loneliness
Filling the Void: Overcoming Loneliness through Autonomy
It’s astounding how much of our culture and society revolves around filling the void within us, a void often created by the feeling of loneliness.
“I used to feel so lonely all weekend. An overwhelming shame and regret. The connection I have with myself means I’ve discovered self-forgiveness. The loneliness has disappeared.” Lana, client
Loneliness plagued my life until late 2019 when I finally released it through Holistic Shadow Work. Loneliness is a type of fear. Releasing this fear can bring you incredible independence and autonomy, allowing you to make decisions that feel wholly aligned. When you release that fear, you gain control over your life and your decision-making processes in ways that you never believed possible.
My fear of loneliness led me into serial monogamy and poor financial habits in my early adulthood. To fill the void within me, I spent money on “stuff.” At 16, I got an overdraft to tide me over until my next paycheck, marking the beginning of my financial troubles. By 18, I had my first loan, which was only to pay off the overdraft and provide more spending money. And so it continued.
Transforming Fear into Independence and Freedom
By 23, I had accumulated over £25,000 in debt through loans, credit cards, and overdrafts, with nothing to show for it. At 26, I moved back in with my mother to take control of my finances. Most of my debt was about consuming things to feel less unhappy, I was controlled by my beliefs, habits, and patterns.
I craved autonomy and freedom, but these eluded me due to the debilitating feeling of loneliness that led me into many poor decisions. It wasn’t until much later that I realised my freedom lay dormant within me, and I was enslaved by my own patterns and habits.
Discovering True Freedom and Autonomy
Releasing old patterns brought me a new level of autonomy, which created resistance from the people around me. This is a normal part of change, when you start putting boundaries in place and changing your life some people will find that difficult to accept and assimilate..
I had to lose some friends who couldn’t understand my new lifestyle and way of being. As I reclaimed my independence and sovereignty, I faced pushback from those around me who felt uncomfortable with my renewed sense of autonomy. Some of this pushback was mild, and some drastic. Despite it all, I wouldn’t exchange my autonomy to get back what I lost.
Finding solace in nature helped me overcome my fears
Holistic Shadow Work combines breathwork, meditation, introspection, and lifestyle changes, enabling profound transformation. This practice impacts the conscious, subconscious, and emotional being, helping many clients achieve significant changes.
“The weekends used to be awful. I felt so lonely. The connected breathwork sessions have been amazing, I feel so centred and powerful. The overwhelming loneliness has disappeared. I’m no longer trapped in my own head.” Nicole, client
Choosing a new path for yourself is not easy. You may be labelled and told that there’s something “wrong” with you because you’re no longer participating in certain self-destructive rituals. However, practising self-awareness and staying in your lane will help you connect with your true feelings and find your autonomy.
As a young child, autonomy was not in your best interests, you needed to conform to your environment to develop the necessary skills to fit in. And many of us don’t transition into adulthood with these new skills installed, for a variety of reasons. Choosing autonomy and independence in adulthood may feel hard, but learning to uphold your boundaries will help you live in line with your inner truth.
Embracing autonomy can be challenging but rewarding.
It’s been over four years since I had my last drink of alcohol. I choose to be in sober spaces with people that are largely aligned with my heart and vision. Buying stuff was just part of a deeper pattern of trying to find something or someone outside of myself to fill the void.
Developing autonomy and independence is essential for personal growth, and to become truly and healthily interdependent. As children, we seek connection with parents, caregivers, and community for survival. As adults, we need connection and healthy relationships to thrive. However, when the need for connection is not integrated into later life, it can become a feeling of loneliness.
Embracing Autonomy and Building Healthy Connections
Loneliness stems from the fear of being or feeling alone. This fear can lead to unbalanced relationships with external elements, including substances and people. The only way to release loneliness is through self-nurture, self-care, and self-love.
Building self-reliance through mindful practices.
This practice helps you re-evaluate your current relationships to determine if they support your vision or hold you back. If you’re in the wrong relationships, you can be more susceptible to being led in ways that are destructive for you. The fear of loneliness can lead to poor choices in who we connect with, sometimes resulting in relationships with narcissistic tendencies.
Starting a journey of autonomy and independence can create resistance from those around you, be prepared for potential disruption as things reorganise and resettle. The journey of autonomy can create pushback from people who see you accessing something they don’t have, and it scares them. On the flipside, some may be inspired to do the same for themselves and their relationships.
Practice: Releasing Loneliness and Discovering Sovereignty
This practice is a series of questions and part of the 8-week Transform Program.. It will help you unpick loneliness from connection with others and begin to accept being alone whilst meeting your own needs.
Remember when you last felt a sense of loneliness:
Where were you?
Were you with other people?
What need do you believe was being met?
When you feel lonely, what patterns arise to make you feel less lonely, even if it’s for a short while?
Example pattern: seeking attention from someone even if in the medium and long-term you don’t feel secure or happy in the relationship?
Write a list of ways in which you can fulfil that need for yourself. It may be simple things like:
Being creative
Getting into nature
Moving, e.g., taking a walk
Once you see the patterns, what more can you do for yourself? What patterns of addiction or distraction do you want to release?
“I feel like a different person. The mentoring has supported me to feel less lonely and have a better relationship with my partner.” Claire, Southsea
Sometimes it can help to have someone support and guide you on your journey who has experienced deep loneliness and understands how to resolve that fear.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to find deeper contentment and live in the present moment, get in touch.
Are you ready to transform your life and embrace true independence?
